My approval addiction led me to what?

My dad always wanted us to be successful, hard workers, and overall good persons. Nothing wrong with that.

I’m almost 40yo and I still want to subconsciously impress him and seek his approval. In a way, it’s sad but I get it now and here’s why.

He is a hard worker and for that reason, he wasn’t home often or when he was, it was late in the evening and he was exhausted. Looking back at it now, I get it: he wanted the best for our family and the only way he knew how to express this was by working. He wanted to give us what he couldn’t have. He started working really young in order to help his mom and provide for his family.

With that being said, not having him around had some repercussions: since I was the oldest kid at home, I was placed in the position of “role model” or at least, I was expected to be as much as possible. I was the father figure just as he was when he was younger.

This can put a lot of pressure on a kid’s shoulders but since I didn’t want to disappoint and be seen as lazy or a bad person, I complied and saw it as completely normal.

This led me to silently resent him at times and be passive-aggressive. I’m truly not proud of this one.

As I grew older, I kept taking on responsibilities and do more and more: I was transforming into a people pleaser.

Today, I have a hard time saying no and all that started because I wanted to be a good son. Thinking about my addiction to approval hurts, I’m not gonna lie.

I had to become the perfect son that was good at everything. This, of course, led to perfectionism. I then started resenting others that couldn’t fit my standard of perfection and couldn’t understand why someone could accept having flaws.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and learned a lot from him. I appreciate every moment I have with him.

Everything that happened didn’t happen TO me but FOR me. I’m honestly grateful for everything because THIS is what shaped me into the person I am and now I can see what works and what doesn’t. If I didn’t experience this, I couldn’t have realized I was doing the exact same thing to my kids.

Learning from my mistakes is so important and that’s why I was reflecting on this today: it shows me why I fear disappointing others. We all know that the opinion others have of us shouldn’t matter but it’s easier said than done. Being a good person is not to never do something wrong but to realize when you do and find ways to correct the situation when possible. Doing your best to become better is a long process but it’s worth it. We all have flaws and learning from them too can help in the long run.

All that to say that I’m proud to have the father I have and I’m also proud to call myself his son: he did his best and so will I. Not seeking approval and just being is enough, I understand it better now.

I love you, dad!